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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thisiskr's LiveJournal:

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Friday, August 10th, 2007
4:28 am
fuck you, nostalgia.

Current Mood: crappy
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
1:07 am
the german alt
i love my job but sometimes it is SO exhausting.
i also love drinking beer at abc (espicially after the job that i love) but sometimes that is SO exhausting, too.
i can't believe i am going to go to bed this early on a friday.
i am a loser.
i love it.

Current Mood: drained
Tuesday, July 31st, 2007
2:04 am
besides eargasms
i also love intense, never-ending political conversations about huge, broad issues. they are rather humbling and force me out of stupid ruts and mindsets that i don't want to be in and, generally, don't realize i have slipped back into.

these conversations are even more perfect when, like this evening, they take place late at night with amazing people (person?) on a porch, marintaing in the deliciously cool summer night over a deliciously cool summer-tasting beer.

Current Mood: content
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
8:09 pm
eargasms
i can't even believe how strongly music can effect me. it brings back memories, sights, smells, emotions, feelings... each song and artist playing out for me a different chapter in my life that has passed.

i love music so much.

currently, "everything electrical will stay":
"after i said that i thought it would be better to just stop talking it couldn't be over but it couldn't last it's been severeal years since i've even been asked it must have sent my head off the deep end i know some things but nothing has left me so urgently hoping and now it couldn't be over but it couldn't last and it's been several years since i've even been asked no one wants to think of electricity that way i wanna think that everything electrical will stay"

perfection. (an unrelated p.s.--i want my leg hairs back.)

Current Mood: pensive
Friday, October 13th, 2006
12:28 am
two failed exams down.

yep, college really does fucking suck.
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
1:14 pm
one failed exam down, one to go.

i hate college.
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
1:36 pm
messy messy
so yesterday may have been one of the shittiest days in a long time. got into a huge fight w/ n that impaired my writing skills and therefore was up until 2 in the morning writing a paper that was due today. worst of all, the paper fucking sucks and its for the one class i have right now that i enjoy and feel like i am decent at. ugh.

i really am having a difficult time grasping fighting etiquite. its true, i'm a fucker when i am mad at someone. but when i am hurt aren't i allowed to be "cold"? i think so. in fact, my mind is not changing on that subject.

the reasons for the fight are obsolete. its happened a thousand times and will probably happen a thousand more. i probably am "too jealous" and "posessive" -- i can't help that. i try to break away from my feelings (wind up being "cold") but i guess whatever i do is just not right. funny how my friends, the one's who were never "poly" (whether their ties to monogomy are based on social constructions or not, i don't know/care -- the point is i/(my friends) are a product of society, good or bad, no matter how good i am doing to change that) think i have very legitimate reasons be be upset. i think i do, too. but i can't argue that point. i'm just "too jealous". sorry for that.

ok, so lets say, in theory, i am too jealous. whatever. so if i am "too jealous", i can't necessarily change that. its a trait of mine. but lets say, again in theory, i am working to change that. is it ok for someone to shove me into a pit of jealousy to, obviously, test me? shouldn't my feelings, no matter how illigetimate, be taken into consideration first? this isn't a new thing. it's not something that has never happened, been fought about and cried over. i am trying to change - really, i am, no matter how much i feel like i shouldn't have to - but i feel like it is not my duty (a partner takes another person, i'm not my own) to take my own feelings into consideration. fuck it, i would take them into consideration if i could. i'm not putting myself in this position to prove how "posessive" i am.

so: when is jealousy ok? is it ever? when does someone cross the line from being acceptably/nomally jelous to "too jealous" and "posessive"? is there anyway to stop yourself from being "too jealous"? how do you cross back into the acceptable "jealousy" bondaries? if someone knows, i would greatly appreciate it.


other news:
- i am going to take a nap and absolutely cannot wait.
- i have my 2 fav classes today and am skipping the one that i dislike for my nap.
- my apt is a mess and its driving me crazy. i feel like it just mimics what my life is like right now.
- the cool "collective" meeting is tonight and i am interested in listening to everyones opinions.
- i am trying to do well this semester in an attempt to bring up my gpa a few notches in case i decide not to stay here.
- i'm pumped for the big game on saturday.
- i really really really really really really really want to go out dancing.
- i miss the fab 4.
- n is getting me nuggets for lunch. yum.

thats all. help me out w/ this jealousy thing, will ya?

Current Mood: confused
Sunday, September 24th, 2006
10:41 pm
shoes
sometimes i want to be in other peoples' heads to see if they think/feel the same way i do or if i am really just fucked up.

i feel poopy. for no reason. its strange. i think i need to find something that i am really passionate about and stick to it to make me happy. maybe i just need to quit being a lazy fuck and cook more. cooking makes me happy. maybe thats the key. or maybe i need to say fuck school and drop out and do something crazy. go to culinary school. start doing makeup professionally. i don't know. but i do know that my bland, run of the mill life right now is not exciting and i am not enjoying it.

maybe i just need to look forward to the little things. want to have a dinner party? i'll cook.
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
11:10 pm
school is kicking my ass. its only the third week and i feel like death is upon me. its frightening.

i should be studying. instead i am playing on live journal. gross.

so what is going on? hm...
-i hate 3 of my 4 classes.
-i am in love with my 60 year old butch anthro teacher. i want to make her my husband.
-i don't know if i am going to stay at u of m. ny is calling my name.
-i cooked a very yummy dinner for some friends tonight.
-i thought about someone for the first time today in a while.
-i miss my mommy.
-i turned in my first paper and took my first exam of the year today.
-i am interested in booboo's zine project.
-i need to spend more time on myself.
-i think i am going to get a pedicure tomorrow. and maybe a new pair of jeans. can i afford it? no. do i care? not really.
-i miss the fab 4 like woah.
-i wonder if my sex life is becoming routine. yikes.
-i am excited for key lime pie.
-i am losing weight at a rapid pace. it makes me nervous.
-my tan is completely gone already. i am ghostly white.
-i am terrified of sleeping alone.
-i am thinking about taking up writing again since i can't really paint in the apartment.
-i am questioning the way that i/others see myself (identity crisis).
-i think my bed is crooked and its ruining my sleep at night.
-i really really really want to sleep in.
-i decided i think i have anxiety issues.
-i am growing my hair out to boob-coverage length.
-i want to feel pretty for a day.
-i ahve only worn sweats to class once this year.
-i am really digging red wine these days. even more than beer. woah.
-i got an amazing greeting card in the mail today that made me happy.
-i also got two bills that made me feel adult-ish.
-i need to start taking more pictures.


ok. frenchy-frenchy homework time. then bed. then class. then the weekend. yessssssssssss.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
8:25 pm
A question i often ask myself:

How is it that tough, bad ass, hardcore 80's rockers, such at Brett Michaels, can wear more makeup on a daily basis than i do and continue to pull so much ass?

It really boggles my mind. (ps. i am in love with brett - frostee pink lipstick and all)

Current Mood: chipper
Saturday, August 26th, 2006
9:21 pm
too many things to do, not enough time. working two jobs sucks. i should have known.

i've been thinking a lot about some heavy shit. i feel like i'm sorting a lot out and am learning more and more about myself everyday.

my apartment is going to be prettyyyy.

i miss my banana toooo much.

its almost my birthday. sept 5. mark your calendars.

naomi/jenny c/kelli birthday // housewarming // welcome week weekend party. sept 3. be there and bring your booze

i am in dire need of a night out dancing and drinking lots and lots of beer. really. its time to get drunk.

i'm going to go pack. shit yeah.


only 5 more days until i will be residing in ann arbor once again. get me out of here now, please.

Current Mood: meh
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
10:57 am
my brain feels like a wet sponge that is in dire need of a good ringing out. way too much going on.

got the keys to the apt. i've been down there painting with my mom and brother and its starting to look like something other than the girlscouts headquarters. thank god.

monday was my first day off in 12 days and i still had to leave my house by 7 am. gross. i just want to have a day to sit on the couch or out in the sun and do absolutely nothing but relax and drink beer.

crazy that in less than two weeks classes are starting. it really doesn't feel like it should be time yet. although i don't really feel up to doing all kinds of work all the time (plus work two jobs, ew) i am ready to get into a routine again. i feel intellectually starved living at home and doing nothing but working. you can read as many good amazing books as you want but its not the same as doing it in a class setting. but i have read some awesome shit and that makes me feel good.

i wrote my first rent check. totally makes ya feel like an adult.

i really miss everybody from school and can't wait to see them. i think i need to be surrounded by people who are supportive and fun and interesting and brilliant.

erin and i are going to EL tonight to help the wood and the ass move in. i'm interested to see their apartment and it will be nice to chill, just the four of us, one more time before everybody's back in school mode. it was shitty that we were all so busy this summer and didn't really get to hang out as much as we always have. i wonder how much of it is just growing up or growing apart. its sad.

i have a million and one things to do before i move in next week but i am starting to feel better about it. my mom is being amazing and totally helpful, as usual, and lets me know that i'll get it all done. my brother is being awesome about it, too, and that makes me so happy.

going to work now. ughhhhh. its all good, though, because my apartment is just a week and two days away followed very closely by MY BIRTHDAY. wooooo hoooooooo. bake me a cake, please.

Current Mood: restless
Thursday, August 10th, 2006
6:27 pm
i smashed my finger in my car door today. therefore typing is an interesting feat.

it is fat and getting black and very hard. ewww.

thanks, asshole kids, for stressing me out enough to injure my poor finger.

Current Mood: blah
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
11:24 am
life is so.... exhausting
ny was amazing. i had a fabulous time. it was great to see n and spend wonderful, happy time together. i think shit will work out. in fact, i know it will. i just can't wait for the fall.

other than ny i am doing a lot of working (ew) in aa and for the aunt. shitty. but whatev, making money so i won't have to live in a cardboard box in the fall. working everyday of the week is going to kick my ass but i have today off. j and the prodigy are coming up to lay in the sun/eat/drink/be merry. it should be good.

n is coming on wed night. i am really excited. we're making her go fishing. hahahaha. interesting.

Current Mood: drained
Sunday, July 16th, 2006
10:57 pm
"Disco Hades II"

I can not cross the line again, Idolize the body and hand
My head is hot enough to spin, running through the line in the sand
No no no no, ohhh hungry and addicted again
No no no no, ohhh almost with no conscience at all
I can't take back the words, sorry for what you heard
I can't reverse the hurt, but I keep blacking out
Sorry for what i've done, my conscience weights a ton
And I'm not the only one, but I keep blacking out
I can not cross the line again, Reasoning my need to give in
My blood grows all too cold again, running through the line in the sand
No no no no, ohhh hungry and addicted again
No no no no, ohhh almost with no conscience at all
I can't take back the words, sorry for what you heard
I can't reverse the hurt, but I keep blacking out
Sorry for what i've done, my concious weights a ton
And I'm not the only one, but I keep blacking out
It seems I crossed the line again, Idolize the body and hand
My head is hot enough to spin, running through the line in the sand
No no no no, ohhh hungry and addicted again
No no no no, ohhh almost with no conscience at all
I can't take back the words, sorry for what you heard
I can't reverse the hurt, but I keep blacking out


-- head automatica

Current Mood: moody
Friday, July 14th, 2006
1:56 pm
i am a hormonal mess.

this is not ok. this morning i thought i was going to murder one of the kids, then i couldn't get over how cute they are followed up by an hour long cry session on the way home from ann arbor. not ok.

i am very angry/upset/depressed with things going on. also not ok. i need to sleep (something i haven't been doing enough of lately) and then maybe i will feel better.

ny on tuesday. i don't even feel like going. wtf is that? on the upside, i mean, hellooooo bagels. that will cheer me up if nothing else does.

Current Mood: gloomy
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
7:38 pm
I HATE ADULTHOOD
i just got $400. cash. and that bitch owes me $120 more.


do you think i get to go shopping?



-sigh- no, of couse i don't get to go shopping.

i get to throw it all into my car becasue i got royally fucked by some asshole used car dealer. piece of shit, i should kill him. in a brutal fashion.

needless to say, i'm a little cranky. i hate being an adult. i hate money. i hate having a damn job that makes me want to kill myself. i hate rush hour traffic on 23 N (which amounts to a 1.5 - 2 hr drive which, normally, takes me 35-50 minutes, tops). i hate bills. i hate stress. i hate children. i hate computers. i hate my love handles. i hate ny for stealing my banana. i hate not being able to lay around in the sun and sleep till noon and drink all day and have lots of sex and be a god damn bum.

instead, the alarm will sound at 6:35 am once again tomorrow. and then on monday. and tuesday. not to mention wednesday. greaaaaaaaat.

i better get a damn raise.

Current Mood: aggravated
Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
5:51 pm
gossip and life
OMG the best gossip today courtesy of the ass. he(no, not ass, she's not a man) never fails to make me laugh and this was exactly the picker-upper i needed in my life. i feel so much better about myself. heheheeh i'm so immature.

adam is home and doing well.

my bloody eye is still gross but i bet it will only be like 3 more days.

i got paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid today. went shopping. oops.

i have a fun art project to do. flint town here i come. (well, not tonight because i have to work in the morning. but soon)

i am very tired and took a nap and it made me more tired. i think i may die with the children tomorrow. but, the moola is nice. so - whatev.

dinner? i may go cook. and laugh. even though the laughing isn't that great b/c i am still pissy but it is a small relief. hahahahahaha dog shit, here we come -- oh, yeah, ass.

Current Mood: yet sleepy
Monday, June 26th, 2006
11:06 pm
update
adam = hospital still but alive

me = crazy stressed out bitchy wreck with a bloody red monster eye that continues to get worse

i am going to bed. 6:35 am wake up call to go be with the hellians. i have pms oozing out of my body. it should be just a lovely 12 hour day with those little fuckers. nice.

only 22 more days until ny/banana. thank god.

Current Mood: drained
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
5:19 pm
when it rains it pours
my brother broke his collar bone and shoulder blade. has a concussion. is getting a cat scan to see if his brain is fucked up. great.
i feel like shit and want to be there with/for him. what an asshole sister i am.

my left eye is very bloody and i look a little bit like a monster. its weird b/c i can feel the pressure when i look down. thats probably not good. maybe i will scare the little asshole children into being good.

sometimes i wonder if my family is just jinxed with bad luck. i swear there is a spell on us. i can't wait to get out of here for good.

Current Mood: shitty
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